Monthly Archives: January 2016

Some Squirrel Tales Come For Small Packages

If haven’t been blogging so much, don’t worry. I’ve been obsessively working on a writing project and this is the best thing that could happen to me. There’s nothing like a story that you’re excited to write, because it means that you will be excited to read it. I’ll pretty much repeat this sentiment on the author’s blog, but in the meantime, let me tell you what I witnessed the other day.

On my street, two houses down, I was on my way into town when I saw a squirrel bolt from the porch. I thought this was odd at first until I saw a little blue package that had very telling teeth marks in one corner. The squirrel had just been getting started.

So, I knocked on the door. Nothing. I knocked on it again. Nothing.

I don’t know if this house is someone’s home, or if it’s one of the houses that have been broken down into condos by some real estate company, so I didn’t dare just try to open the door. But there was no door bell either.

The package was a nice one, with adorable little silver string wrapping it. It wasn’t hard to figure out that there was food inside, because squirrels aren’t usually so concerned about Amazon.com packages. And I can see by the neat handwriting that someone has left this here for a loved one.

I could have just gone about my day, but what a dick move that would be? How do I know the person for whom this package was intended would ever see their loved one again? Maybe this was a John Denver thing. But I also didn’t know what else to do, since a number of thefts have been occurring in and around the area where I live and someone might see me on the porch and call he cops.

Fortunately, on that very porch, is a large decorative pot with cute little branches sticking out of it and old decorative lights wrapped around them. I don’t think the squirrel will be that committed to the package.

So I did what I hoped panned out well for whoever the gift was intended for. I placed the package on the edge of the pot, because placing it further out of the squirrel’s reach wasn’t possible.

Sometimes Hindsight Isn’t 20/20

John found my glasses. So this post begins with a huge thanks to him and to Dickens, our dog. It was his eye medication that fell behind the table, leading John to check underneath the table, where the glasses have been sitting since before the end of December.

The day I lost them was an upsetting one. I won’t go into detail, but suffice it to say, I was distracted that day. And backtracking simply wasn’t working. The day was compounded when I couldn’t find my backup pair, which I had got the same day I had my prescription renewed.

However, I knew they would turn up, because they could only be in the house. It’s something I realized when I lost a set of keys in the first apartment I ever rented. I had allowed the stress of working in a shitty job to snowball as I scrambled to find a set of keys, that had been sitting underneath the mattress of my futon all along when I finally stumbled on them months later.

Granted, these were two different scenarios. But lessons from the past taught me to be grounded in the moment and to try and find the solution without letting the stress get to me.

That’s Right, I’m Doing Another Open Mic

So it’s the open mic I did on this action packed night. I’m going back there. Yeah, I needed a plan of recovery from the recent theft of my beloved coat.

The blog trolls will be out there, but I don’t care. I never let people stop me from doing things I enjoyed before, so why should I stop now. Besides, I’ve decided to take a new approach to this particular open mic, which is a general “written word” open mic.

I’m no poet. I’m not really cut out to be a comedian. I don’t have the ability to make people laugh at every single line and the nights where I get next to no response at all are not empowering enough for me to try again the next day. But I’m confident speaking in front of an audience, so I’m going through my archives and I’m picking out a few items of interest to refine and prepare for a five-to-ten minute set of time. I am returning to the Walnut Street Open Mic.

People will criticize. They will assume something, then they will assume their assumption is correct, project that assumption on to me, then they will criticize me based on their assumption as opposed to reality. But I will handle those people as they come.

Anonymous blog trolls will probably result. I bet some of them will even be there. Hey, you had to buy a coffee to be there, so the joke will be entirely on you.

Fashion…

My coat was stolen today. It was such a nice coat. Not super expensive, but I got it on clearance back when I was working in Target. Someone just walked in and took it off the hanger where I had left it when I was cleaning the gymnasium of the place where I am currently volunteering.

No, it’s not okay. No, I will not “get over it”.

No, I probably will not see it again.

The Big Snowy Elephant In the Room

Maybe you’re from a community that uses a similar system. I know Gloucester uses bags similar to what you will see in this video. Theirs are purple, but I still believe that means that they have a similar trash removal service. So if you’re from that area, or you have a similar program going on, please feel free to chime in with your advice and your suggestions.

Bonus points if you actually make and post a video of your home and how you and your neighbors handle trash day and the nastiest of weather.

But the usual troll warnings are in place.

Click here to watch The Big Snowy Elephant in the Room and respond. You can also subscribe to this and my other blog, The Salem Author from Bennington.

Lets Dance (A political post)

Thanks to the power of Youtube, you can see what I’m talking about before I’ve even ranted about it.

This isn’t even a legitimate rant, so much as a commentary about how easily the jokes write themselves. In fact, if I were the sort of person to jump into the political arena from the stage, I’m sure I could write a whole ten minute’s worth of material about this very ad.

In the “weather vain” ad, Marco Rubio is compared to a weather vain. Seen here, the metaphor is taken to the logical extreme by having his image pointing outward and blowing around in the wind. Before your mind even goes to the gutter, just remember, I went there too – but only after I saw the end of the ad.

Jeb Bush’s face planted on a big freight train. Underneath his picture is the slogan, “You always know where he stands”.

I just imagine the alternate ending of that commercial involving the train running headlong into Capitol Hill, with the tagline, “No one in America will be able to walk upright when Bush gets done with them.”

The thing to keep in mind is that this ad was written and paid for by a group called “Right to Rise”. As if the name isn’t suggestive enough, you can’t accuse me of having a perverted mind without realizing that someone who had the final say in the cut of this ad probably wasn’t too far off.

Something Vexes Thee, Metatron?

I know it’s not fair to act like the death of someone well known is sadder than the death of someone the world deems less important. To quote the Doctor, “I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important.”

To that end, I have broken with my vow today to honor the passing of Alan Rickman.

Here was a man who spent a lot of time in and out of my DVD player or VCR. Whether it was battling Kevin Costner in Robin Hood, or speaking on behalf of God in Dogma, Alan Rickman made a lot of people very happy. Yes, a lot of people who are just as important as Alan Rickman and David Bowie, were made happier by the lives of these two men.

The stage is an emptier place now that both of these men have taken their bows. But in their wake lies a world of promise and raw talent that has yet to be discovered. I can only hope that I make as much of a mark on the world as they have.