Category Archives: Sunday Silliness

Downton Abbey Season 7, Episode One: In The Family ~ PG-13

1940 ~ London

A small café outside King’s Crossing.

George: How long will you be in England?

Sybbie: I can’t say. My father said something about going to see family in the countryside.

George: What a coincidence. You came from America to meet family in England and, well, my grandmother is from America.

Sybbie: That truly is a remarkable coincidence

Lord Branson: (Off screen) Sybbie darling, we need to get to our train.

Sybbie: (frowns) I’m sad that this has to end.

George: I hope to see you again soon. (As Sybbie disappears into the crowd, George checks his watch) Oh dear, I have to catch my train too.

*Hours later, George and Sybbie run into each other in the dining car*

George: Well what a coincidence.

Sybbie: Truly, it must be fate. But I can’t help but feel as though I’ve met you before.

George: (coyly) Could it be that you were in my dreams all along.

*Sybbie blushes and giggles flirtatiously. They adjourn to George’s private cabinet and pull the curtains. Many hours later, Sybbie stumbles into the cabin where Lord Branson has been reading a paper*

Lord Branson: My word, Darling, where have you been?

Sybbie: I just… needed some exercise.

At the train station Sybbie is waiting with Lord Branson as their luggage is sorted.

George: Sybbie?

Lord Branson and Sybbie see him an exchange looks. Branson is confused and Sybbie somewhat embarrassed. Lady Mary approaches.

Mary: Tom! It’s so wonderful to see you again.

*Branson and Mary exchange hugs and kisses on the cheek. They turn to Sybbie and George who are standing beside one another and George throws his arms around his mother. They separate and Mary sees Sybbie for the first time.*

Mary: My word, Sybbie, how you’ve grown. I see you’ve already met your cousin, George.

*George and Sybbie stare, open mouthed at each other as the scene fades to black*

A Cycle Of Offensive Comments

 

An older man steps outside on a nice morning. Next door, a woman is arranging trashcans.

 Old Man: Why hello there, can I give you a hand?

 The woman glares at him and reveals she has one arm.

 One Arm Bandit: How DARE you! Can’t you see why you’ve offended me!

 A blind man stops on the sidewalk.

 Blind: Excuse me, you heartless wench!

 In response to this, Lucifer appears in a puff of smoke.

 Lucifer: You jerk. I’ve never had a heart in my life. Don’t you think before you speak?

 A politician drives up to the curb and steps out of the car.

 Politician: Hey, I don’t know who you think you are, but clearly you’re an outdated old man.

 The old man just sighs and goes back into his house. He wonders why he even bothered speaking.

The Ballad of Johnny Coyne

Johnny Coyne is currently doing a nickel for shoplifting. The desk sergeant saw him and said, “Man, you’re like a bad penny. Didn’t you learn any cents from the last time?”

The jail’s clergy asked Coyne if he wanted to convert, but Coyne’s response was, “Sorry, that’s not how I roll.”

When asked for their two cents, Coyne’s parents said, “We don’t know what happened. He was always the Coyne Star. He was going to be the next Cash, but then he flipped and he refused to change.”

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Socially Inept – A Script

Int. JOHN and NATE are walking up stairs.

JOHN

 Sam and I used to be together, but now he just rents a room here. I’m a little nervous about introducing the two of you.

NATE

 What for?

JOHN

He can get a bit jealous. This one time, I brought a guy home and when Sam knew we were going out, he started throwing things at him.

NATE

Well, don’t worry. Hey, your dog doesn’t usually like people and I get along with him, right?

Cut to. NATE is in the kitchen holding out a milk bone. The dog eats it and licks his hand afterwards.

NATE

 Good boy.

Cut back to the staircase where JOHN pauses, seeming more doubtful and then shrugs it off as we cut to next scene. JOHN and NATE are standing outside the door of Sam’s room. JOHN knocks and we see him and NATE from Sam’s point of view.

NATE

Hi there Sam, I’m JOHN’s new roommate.

SAM

(Off camera)

Hello.

After an awkward silence, NATE pulls out a milk bone.

NATE

Here you go boy.

Cut to the bottom of the staircase. JOHN and NATE narrowly avoid being hit by a pan as they run down the stairs and down the hall.

JOHN

That went well.

NATE

Has he been neutered yet?

This Spring on PBS, the Second Verse Will be the Same as the First…

Masterpiece Theater presents Wolf Hall.

DAMIEN LEWIS:  I am Henry VIII.

Cut to Cardinal Wosely’s chambers.

JONATHAN PRYCE: He got married to the widow next door.

Cut to Henry VIII facing his wife in court.

DAMIEN LEWIS: She was married seven times before!

This spring on Masterpiece Theater, there will be no Willy, nor a Sam.

MARK RYLANCE: Henry VIII –

DAMIEN LEWIS: I am.

Deleted Scenes from Scripture Episode 1: Written In Stone

And Moses placed the tablets on the ground and prepared to make a second trip to the top of Mount Sinai, to retrieve the tablets upon which Commandments 11 through 20 were written. But before he did, he gazed down on his followers and what he saw angered him.

“Aaron? Aaron, what the fuck did I just say?”

And God sayeth unto Moses, “Now you see the shit I have to put up with.”